Family Guy I Dont Think Youll Call Me Fat Again

Family Guy is an animated telly serial created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, simply after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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North by N Quahog [edit]

Peter: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?

Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there'southward but no more room on the schedule. We've but got to accept the fact that Fox has to brand room for terrific shows like Night Affections, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Guild, Cracking Upwards, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Big, Costello, The Lonely Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Diplomatic mission, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.

Lois: Is there no promise?

Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

---

Tom: In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now we go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?

Ollie: HE GON' Go IT!

Tom: Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High [edit]

Mrs. Lockhart: Expert morning, class.

Chris and other students: Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.

Mrs. Lockhart: I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Near of you did well. Some of you, I think, tin do better. What exercise you see here, Chris?

[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]

Chris: 2 Ds and an F.

---

[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]

Lois: No, wait a infinitesimal! I tin't phone call the police force! I have to get rid of this trunk, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.

[cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]

Prisoners: Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,

whether you're white or bronze.

A human being tin can wash another homo

in the merry onetime land of Oz!

Bullheaded Ambition [edit]

Brian: [sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?

Peter: Ah, this is my seeing middle dog, Brutus.

Brian: What practice you demand a seeing center dog for?

Peter: Well, 'crusade I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I approximate they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could bargain with being blind at beginning, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that calendar week I lived with Superman.

[cutting to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]

Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of aureate. [Peter walks into the lair]

Peter: Uh, howdy, uh, distressing. I know you've got a meeting going on, merely, um...so, we are officially running depression on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, but putting information technology out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, yous know, uh, 800-mile bulldoze for me, similar, five seconds for y'all. Whatever. I'm not here.

---

God: [talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam] Oh uh, permit me lite that for ya, babe. [makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]

Adult female: Wow!

God: Yep, magic fingers. [God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes] Jesus Christ!

Jesus: What?

God: Get the Escalade. Nosotros're outta here!

Don't Make Me Over [edit]

Peter: Oh, delight tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the infirmary.

[Cutaway to hospital]

Peter: I'1000 afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the residuum of her life.

Man: Oh, my God.

Peter: [laughs] No no no, I'm but kidding. She's expressionless.

---

Peter: Hey, you gotta get-go somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the tin man plant out he was gay.

[cut to a scene from The Magician of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Human being falls on the Scarecrow]

Can Homo: Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire [edit]

Peter: Your wife'south cheatin' on ya.

Cleveland: What?!

Peter: Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your firm, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!".

Brian: Uh, Peter...

Peter: Hang on. I'grand non done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, aye! Oh, yep!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You lot wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?

[switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]

Bamm-Bamm: [bangs his lodge] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?

[switch to Emeril Lagasse]

Lagasse: Bam!

Peter: So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Whatsoever thoughts?

---

Peter: All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't calorie-free a fire in your belly, nothin' will.

[he puts on a Quagmire mask]

Peter: Hey! Look at me! I'g Quagmire. I had sex with your married woman. Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!

[Cleveland laughs]

Cleveland: Those are and so his mannerisms. [laughs]

Brian: Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Peter: I'm not Peter. I'm Quagmire. And I'm doin' y'all, Loretta.

[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]

Brian: What the hell?

[the two act out Quagmire having sexual practice with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland'southward acrimony; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]

Cleveland: Glenn Quagmire, You lot'RE Dead!!

Petarded [edit]

Lois: Well, now that the mess is all cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room, information technology'south time for the last game of the nighttime, Picayune Pursuit.

Peter: Oh, man, I hate Little Pursuit. It always makes me feel so stupid.

Brian: More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car?

[cut to Peter sitting in his car]

Peter: Damn it. Hey, hey! Somebody! Hey! [a man walks by the automobile] Hey, sir! Sir! Sir, you see those keys in that location? Sir? Sir-oh, screw you lot! [shifts a bent piece of a hanger out of the window. He manages to hook his keys onto it, but the hanger falls off and out of the car; Peter wails]

---

Judge: In fact, if I could, I would put yous in a place where you would be removed from the full general public. Maybe locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined menstruum of time, based on the nature and degree of your criminal offense. Unfortunately, as far every bit I know, no such identify exists. So, I take no choice just to set y'all free.

Peter: Does that mean I get my kids back?

Judge: Admittedly not! Example closed! [bangs his gavel]

Peter: Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.

Gauge: Aw, I already banged the hammer.

Brian the Bachelor [edit]

[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her mitt]

Stewie: Well, I guess the airplane pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I constitute that to exist in bad taste.

---

Mrs. Quagmire: Glenn, would you feed Mittens?

Quagmire: Mittens has food in his basin!

Mrs. Quagmire: That's old nutrient! [Mittens meows]

Quagmire: Mittens, shut upwards! Mittens, Shut Upward!

Mrs. Quagmire: Don't y'all talk to Mittens that manner! Mittens is a member of this family unit!

Quagmire: Mom, you want this three-manner to happen, you lot're gonna have to change your tone!

eight Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter [edit]

One thousand thousand: God, I don't think I could've been any clearer the terminal time I turned him down.

[cutting to the set of Everybody Loves Raymond]

Debra: Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizzola. Again!

Meg: [walks on the set] Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island, leave me alone! I hate yous! I HATE YOU!! [leaves]

Debra: Anyhow, your female parent insulted--

Ray: I don't care anymore, Patty. After 9 seasons, I just don't care. Maybe you lot could try not existence a bitch.

[Debra smashes a bottle and points information technology at her husband while he backs abroad]

---

Liddane: (in tears) I'm sorry, Stewie. I'g just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!

Stewie: He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come up hither. Lemme just-- Lemme simply hold you for a while.

(the 2 comfort each other, simply Stewie touches Liddane's left chest; Liddane reacts, and so slaps Stewie)

Liddane: Stewie! No! That is a bad place to bear upon! No! No, no, no, no, no. No!

Stewie: Merely... But... But... Merely I... I... You... I... I... (wails like a real baby)

Liddane: No more T.Five.!

Stewie: Well, how nigh no more task?! Hmm? Y'all hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn y'all! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun.

Breaking Out Is Hard to Exercise [edit]

Brian: Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you lot finish with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Similar Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.

[cut to Peter in a hospital with iv kids in beds]

Peter: Hello there, how 'yall doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all detect out about that when you lot get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, nosotros got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?

Child: Dying hurts!

Peter: Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying?

Model Misbehavior [edit]

Peter: So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet yous're gonna need some big strapping men to assist you with your boat.

Carter: Are yous calling me gay?

Peter: No. No. I just-I simply thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on-on-on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].

---

Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.

Founding Father 2: Nosotros'll flip a coin.

Founding Father ane: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cockapoopoopeepeeshire.

Peter's Got Woods [edit]

Stewie: [reads The Da Vinci Lawmaking] Oh, yes, just as I thought. French republic... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.

[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]

Peter: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!

Stewie: Aye, I meet you, fat human being.

Peter: [gasps] Where's Daddy? [covers optics]

Stewie: What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I tin can hear you, but I tin't see. Well, he must actually be gone. [starts picking his nose]

Peter: [removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!

Stewie: Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Wait, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't take picked my- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, not bad. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

Perfect Castaway [edit]

[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]

Joe: We've been out here for days. I'm starving.

[Peter eats something]

Quagmire: Hey, what's that?

Peter: [stops] What?

Cleveland: Y'all're eatin' somethin'!

Joe: You lot bastard! You have food?!

Peter: I don't know what yous're talkin' about.

Joe: Gimme that!

[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating, until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]

Joe: Peter! Yous've been eating my legs?!

Peter: Yep. See, at present, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Joe: What the hell is wrong with yous?!!

Peter: Look, wait, Joe, I...!

Joe: YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!!

Peter: Okay. You know what? Let'due south just concur to disagree.

---

[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire go out their cruise send and return to Quahog]

Joe: Well, that was a great cruise.

Peter: Yeah. The buffet was great!

Cleveland: And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.

[2 men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]

Man: Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. Nosotros'll get yous to the hospital.

Ulrich: [to Cleveland; in hurting and anger] You bounder!

Cleveland: There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Jungle Honey [edit]

Unemployer: Turns out there'south a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.

Peter: Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.

[cut to two doctors in a minor window]

Medico: Hmm. The only one who couldn't terminate the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and 3 bears in others]

Peter: I'yard sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, allow me look at- [turns to run across the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, information technology's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I judge that'due south what all the red pieces were...

---

Lois: Oh, I wonder how your father's starting time day of work went.

[Peter drives upwardly to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]

Meg: Dad? What the hell are yous doing!?

Peter: [drunkard] Uh, yes, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do y'all sell pants?

PTV [edit]

[Peter and Brian sentinel Goggle box]

Announcer: And at present, stay tuned for Three'south Company.

[the television shows 3's Company]

Chrissy: Jack, are you out at that place? I wanna show you my new bikini.

[her top is blacked out]

Peter: What the hell?! Why they blockin' out all the skillful stuff?

[he switches to another station showing The Dick Van Dyke Show]

Announcer: It's The [blip] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].

Peter: They're messin' with my shows!

Brian: Come to recollect of information technology, there was something very unlike well-nigh that Honeymooners episode I watched today.

[flashback to said episode of said program]

Ralph: One of these days, Alice, one of these days,...!

Dubbed vocalism: [over Ralph'due south line: "Prisoner of war! Right to the moon!"] I'grand gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

[dorsum to the present]

Brian: This must exist the FCC overreacting to the David Hyde Pierce incident. They're censoring anything that might exist viewed as unpleasant.

Peter: What the hell?! They let Sarah Jessica Parker'southward face on Television set, and she looks like a foot. Well, mark my words, I'm gonna fight this!

---

[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]

Peter: How-do-you-do, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you go to scout your favorite shows equally nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to motion.

[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns downward a cross in forepart of George's firm]

Archie: Time for y'all to move there, Jefferson!

Edith: Oh, Archie! I can't encounter outta my sheet!

Archie: Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus!

[cut back to PTV]

Peter: And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?

[he shows a prune of said episode of The Waltons]

Mary Ellen: Good night, Jim-Bob.

Jim-Bob: Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa.

Pa: Good night, Jim-Bob. Good nighttime, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Practiced nighttime, Pa. Expert night, Ma.

Ma: Skillful night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. [silence] Good night, John-Boy.

[she walks upwards to John-Boy's door and opens information technology]

Ma: John-Male child?

John-Boy: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Brian Goes Back to College [edit]

[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Office of it falls downward; Chris falls through it and onto the flooring]

Chris: How-do-you-do, Dad!

Peter: Go to your room.

Chris: Okay. [heads upstairs and falls through to the floor once again]

---

Peter: You know, I idea I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless equally that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. Information technology's similar, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

The Courting of Stewie'due south Father [edit]

Tom: We at present go alive to Ollie Williams, in the Channel five Traffic Copter. What'due south the scene, Ollie?

[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]

Ollie: Everybody looks like ants!

Tom: Probably because you lot're up and so high. Coming upwardly next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.

Stewie: Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls information technology] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it'south non summertime!

[Lois angrily comes into the firm, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]

Peter: Hey, Drippy, yous're back! What'southward for dinner?

---

Brian: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.

Peter: Nah. I don't think I'chiliad in the mood.

Brian: Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a assistant suit; sings and dances]

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Where he at?!

Where he at?!

Where he at?!

Where he at?!

At present, there he go!

There he go!

At that place he go!

At that place he go!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peter: Distressing, Brian. It'south but not doin' it today. [leaves]

Brian: [continues singing and dancing] Practise the Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball game bat!

The Fat Guy Strangler [edit]

[Lois is watching The Toll Is Correct on Idiot box]

Barker: All right, let's get-go the bidding. Jennifer, how much practise y'all bid on the dinette set?

Jennifer: Um... $675, Bob.

Barker: $675. Stephen?

Stephen: Uh, $780.

Barker: $780. Tammy?

Tammy: What was the last bid?

Barker: $780.

Tammy: $781.

Stephen: Fuck you!

---

[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]

Stewie: Hey, Brian. Marian just chosen you lot an alcoholic.

Brian: Oh, yeah? Marian just called yous a human being.

Stewie: Expect a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, and then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right in that location. Do you retrieve Patrick would be angry?

[both laugh]

Brian: I don't know, man. It's his married woman.

Stewie: You lot don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that correct in that location? But correct in that spot, right at that place on the couch?

Brian: [laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's upwards. [laughs]

Stewie: You know what we should exercise? We should let it sit hither for a couple of weeks and see if information technology pickles.

[both express mirth]

Stewie: If afterwards three weeks, information technology pickles, and so she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.

[both laugh, harder]

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz [edit]

Announcer: And at present dorsum to "Jaws V: Burn down Island".

(in the motion picture, 2 men are wading in the water)

Mark: Yous recall we should be this far out?

Other Human: Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.

Jaws: [sounds similar Bruce] Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'thou gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna consume that i, too. Oh, I tin see right up dem shorts! I got a whole agglomeration of rows of teeth to chew you with. (hums his theme) Oh, now wait a minute. I did have a chubby child on a raft earlier today. Information technology's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. [eats the two men] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.

---

Peter: [prays to Fonzie] Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign.

[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; within comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]

Lohan: Hi. I'one thousand Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.

Peter: [amazed] It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

Brian Sings and Swings [edit]

[at the Quahog Market'southward 10 items-or-less express lane]

Bruce: I definitely demand a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me eleven items.

Cashier: That'due south fine.

Bruce: No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's come across what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I demand the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, merely they certain are skilful. [Stewie, backside him in line, sighs] 7 Upwards'due south the whole reason I came down here in the first place. Y'all know what, I'grand non gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, only that's okay. I like to help out a pocket-sized business. I hope information technology'due south okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]

---

Stewie: [after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a burn hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!

Brian: I don't know what went incorrect. I was merely trying to live for the moment, you know? 'Crusade life can end and then abruptly and there's nothing you can exercise to stop it.

Stewie: Is that why you've been on this path to self-devastation? You know, Brian, every bit smart equally you are, you've just got to take the fact that at that place are some things in life you just can't control.

Brian: You hateful, the manner you can't control that messed upwards manner that yous laugh when you retrieve something is really, actually funny?

[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith, with Stewie laughing differently than usual]

Stewie: Yeah, and I have that. Your trouble is you lot retrieve that but because y'all're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that You don't matter. Merely yous know what? You thing to someone. [vox breaks] You thing big time. [runs off]

Patriot Games [edit]

Peter: All right, at present listen upwardly, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna vanquish the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen y'all up. And so you're gonna become into shape the manner American athletes practice. Past taking steroids.

---

Tom: Diane didn't your first husband blow his brains out?

Diane: Oh, God! (cries uncontrollably)

Tom: Coming up: America's hottest new curse word "Kleeman", We'll tell you what information technology means subsequently this.

I Have Thee Quagmire [edit]

[scene from "Bicycle of Fortune"]

Pat Sajak: All right, Peter, you've fabricated it to the bonus circular, congratulations.

Peter: Thanks, Regis.

Sajak: Okay, the category is "Player and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.

Peter: Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.

Sajak: Okay, no assistance there. 15 seconds if yous wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.

Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]

Sajak: (in the state of daze) I... don't... believe it!

Peter: Oh, my God! I merely took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

---

Peter: Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't run across a price tag on that.

Sajak: That'due south you.

Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that example, I'll have the balance on a gift document.

[at home]

Lois: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on Tv!

Brian: I can't believe y'all really won! But I suppose it's not the strangest matter I've seen on a game show...like when Adam W was on "Jeopardy!".

[cut to "Jeopardy!"]

Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [Adam reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]

West: Just saying his name backwards can transport him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Sibling Rivalry [edit]

[All of a sudden, a throwing star comes out of nowhere and misses him past inches. Stewie is seen having just entered the tent, brandishing a sword]

Bertram: Stewie! You're live!

Stewie: Yes, Bertram, I'yard alive. And I call up you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated.

Bertram: Y'all have an annoying addiction of turning up when you're not welcome!

Stewie: Well, when I'1000 done with you, you're going to detest me more than the other vowels detest Y.

[cut to a business meeting with A, E, I, O, and U.]

A: If you'll plow to folio 34 of your bluish books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, [Y enters, talking on his jail cell phone] which I tin tell are...

Y: Okay, okay. Yeah, alright. Okay, you lot know what, I'm in a meeting, I'll call yous back. [hangs up]

E: Well, well, well, look who decided to show upwardly.

Y: And then, what are we talking about here?

U: Well, before you- [Y's phone rings]

Y: Oh, I'thou sorry. [answers] F! What's upward? No, no, I can talk.

---

Dr. Hartman: (later on Lois has recovered from her middle assault) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you residuum upwardly for a few days, and you'll exist just fine.

Lois: Thanks, Doc. I've realized now that eating is non the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?

1000000: For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my issues. I cut myself. Is that better?

Lois: Chris, nosotros all love your hat.

Chris: Cheers, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, physician, what did you lot do with my mom'due south fat?

Dr. Hartman: Well, nosotros stored information technology all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to prove Peter with his pants off kissing a handbag of fatty]

Peter: Uhhhh, it's exactly what it looks like.

Deep Throats [edit]

Brian: Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.

Kermit the Frog: [hides in the shadows] Yous'll empathize if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if y'all never see my face.

Brian: Uh... okay.

Kermit: Mayor Due west hasn't slept at abode for three nights.

Brian: Kermit the Frog?

Kermit: [gasps] Somebody talked! No i is safe! I'chiliad gettin' outta hither! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Stewie: What'southward his entreatment?

---

Meg: I have to tell you something, Adam.

West: You're an alien. I know.

Peterotica [edit]

Kool-Aid Homo: [later on a motorcar crashes into his firm] Wow. You know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.

---

White: Hi, I'm Betty White. I but got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'one thousand looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

You May Now Buss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives [edit]

Chris: She's and so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her exercise that to them.

Classmate: What? Kick them around?

Chris: Um, wait...yes.

---

[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]

Chris: Matthew McConaughey?

McConaughey: Yeah, I'k lookin' for a guy named Stewie.

[Stewie shoots an pointer through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]

Stewie: Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.

Chris: But I...

Stewie: Grab his God damn legs!

[Chris does so, and both brothers comport McConaughey out of the house]

Petergeist [edit]

Bruce: [equally a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you lot, information technology ain't condom!

Peter: I'll tell you what's not rubber: Going hunting with Dick Cheney.

[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]

Peter: Then, yous set to go hunting? [Cheney shoots him well-nigh ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]

Cheney: Pitiful, I thought you lot were a deer.

---

[Carrot Tiptop runs out of the hall of mirrors afterwards tricking Peter, just the latter comes out successfully, much to the old's surprise]

Carrot Peak: What the hell? How did you observe me?

Peter: [shows Carrot Height a saw wearing spectacles] I found this saw with glasses on it.

Carrot Top: [takes the saw] Oh, that'southward my "See"-saw.

[Peter laughs]

Peter: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Yous are and so fucking funny! You lot are so-- Goddamn you for being so funny! [laughs once again] Oh, my God!

Untitled Griffin Family History [edit]

[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]

Lois: Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?

[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]

Peter: They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba adjust.

---

[Peter inhales in the scuba suit, and coughs]

Peter: That wasn't oxygen, that was a tank of Tony Danza's jiff! I wonder who got my oxygen tank.

[Scene shifts to another house, the mailbox reads "Judith Light"]

Light: [with a life-sized hay-blimp doll with Tony Danza'south face up on it] Buss me, Tony. I want your breath within me. [kisses the doll, inhales] Hey!

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story [edit]

Pre-Picture show

Tricia: Tom, tonight the stars are out for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD characteristic that volition presently be in the $3.99 bin at your local car launder. Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, practise you lot take whatever words for our viewers?

West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup...no, I take that ane back. I'g going to hold on to that one.

Stewie B. Goode

Peter: You lot know what actually grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? Information technology'southward chosen an motorcar, folks! It's much faster than a equus caballus! (the station manager hands him a note) Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'thou no longer workin' here, let me tell you somethin': You know what really grinds my gears? YOU, America! (points at photographic camera) FUCK YOU!! Diane? (security takes him away)

Bango Was His Name Oh!

Lois: Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls! And then I'll ask you again. What are the names of the women on Sex activity and the City? [camera zooms out to reveal Chris continuing in a tub of water with his hands tied to a higher place him]

Chris: Uh...Carrie,... Miranda... uh, Samantha... and... uh... Scrappy-Doo?

Lois: Hit him, Endo! [a human being takes 2 sponges fastened to electrical wire and touches them to Chris]

Chris: [screams] Uh, Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? [screams again]

---

[in a commercial with Wilford Brimley]

Brimley: Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes. Information technology hurts me to pee, and information technology causes me to be curt with my family. I can't sleep at dark. The other 24-hour interval, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And 2 weeks agone, I ran outta vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. And then I find out my married woman's been dead for vi years. Who the hell did I hit?!

Narrator: This message brought to you by the National Diabetes Association.

Stu and Stewie's Fantabulous Take chances

Stewie: [to Stu] You listen to me, Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and... [reads from The Joy of Sex] "insert your phallus into her vag-in-a." Get!

---

Post-Pic

Tricia: Peter, how do you reply to the accusations that y'all were responsible for the series cancellation?

Peter: Well, the evidence had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same affair that, uh, Md Cosby told me: That it was my face out in that location, and I should take creative control. And then I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.

[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is belongings a bleeding chicken]

Cleveland: Peter, can nosotros cut? This isn't working for me.

Peter: Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only ane who yells "cut" is the manager!

Cleveland: Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit. You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!

[Stewie walks in wearing a tribal skirt and a drum]

Stewie: Did I miss my cue?

[in the bar]

Peter: Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.

[cut to Lois sitting on the burrow; Chris walks in]

Chris: [nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.

Lois: [in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful wait on their faces]

Brian: [in the kitchen with his head downwardly, pounding his fist on the table everytime he says 'incorrect'] Incorrect! It'southward WRONG!

Tricia: Peter, is there anything else you want to say?

Peter: Yes, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You lot know, we child effectually a lot here, simply the truth is, we care near each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious bug and, you lot know, exercise something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; anybody laughs]

Lois: [laughs] Oh, Peter.

Peter: Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]

Peter: That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh well-nigh. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more than about flatulence, yous tin visit my ass. [farts over again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]

External links [edit]

• Family Guy quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Family unit Guy at TV.com
• FamilyGuy.com
• Family Guy Quotes
• FamilyGuyQuotes.com
• Family Guy Resources

hawkinswhiry1953.blogspot.com

Source: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Family_Guy/Season_4

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